Melancholy
by Starrylibra
Summary: "His eyes were filled with such sorrow and seemed to hold the entirety of the universe within them." Sometimes, if only for a short while, even the Doctor finds it difficult to hide his true emotions. Sometimes the reality of a life on the run is too hard to bear. Sometimes selfless acts are the hardest to perform. (Forgot to put a disclaimer: I don't own DW!)


She found him sitting on her favourite spot at the edge of the lake. He hadn't noticed her approaching for he seemed to be in a faraway place. Ordinarily she would have left and found another spot but there was something about him that entranced her and she found herself walking towards him and sitting next to him.

'Are you okay?' She asked softly.

He turned and looked at her. His eyes were filled with such sorrow and seemed to hold the entirety of the universe within them. His face looked no older than forty but those endless eyes appeared to be older than time. His hair was golden like the sun yet there was only darkness in his face. 'They always leave me,' he whispered. His voice was filled with a melancholy that was a stark contrast to the bright coat he wore. He turned back to the lake. 'The ones who find someone better... Susan, my Susan. No, she's David's Susan now. And my dear Jo Grant...Jo Jones rather. And Peri,' he let out a sob. 'My dear, dear Peri gone to Thoros Alpha without even a goodbye...' Another sob escaped his lips. 'And those I couldn't save... Katarina, Sara, Adric. Oh Adric! How I failed you. I failed them all. I'm so, so sorry.'

She had been listening with great pity and compassion in her heart. She could not fathom the meaning of his words (what was Thoros Alpha?) but knew he spoke from the soul. It seemed to her that he had been bottling up his emotions for a great amount of time and now he was finally releasing them. He had stopped speaking and was, instead, sobbing into his hands. He had hunched himself up as small as he could possibly go and reminded her, not of the eccentric-looking man that he appeared to be but of a small, frightened child.

'Gone,' he sobbed.

She contemplated leaving him to his misery: it was none of her business, after all, but she couldn't find it in herself to walk away. Instead, she put a protective arm around him, as one would a frightened child, and shushed. 'Don't be upset. I'm here,' she soothed as she rubbed his back.

Eventually, he took his hands away from his face and looked across the mist-covered lake. 'It's so beautiful. Almost like the Singing Lake on Gallifrey. But, like all good things, it will come to an end. Why can't the universe ever just stay still? Just for a moment!' He began so wistfully and ended almost as though he were begging the universe to listen to his wish.

'Without pain and misery, how can there be any good to compare it to?' She asked him gently.

He seemed to snap out of his reverie and looked at her properly for the first time. 'Who are you?' he demanded, standing up to look down on her menacingly.

She flinched slightly at his tone and quickly said, 'I'm sorry, I just saw you looking so melancholy and I couldn't bear to walk away. I just wanted to help. I'll go'. She made to get up but before she could he indignantly replied to her.

'Melancholy? Me? My dear child, you are mistaken. I am not melancholy, quite the opposite in fact! Now if you'll excuse me, I have places to be'. He began to walk off and she jumped up and followed him.

He was far taller than her and she couldn't keep up with his strides. He had easily put distance between them. 'Then what did you mean about them all leaving you?' she shouted out to him so that he'd actually hear her.

He stopped in his tracks then spun around and walked towards her. When there was only a foot separating them, he stopped and looked down at her. 'I'm afraid I have quite no idea what you are talking about,' he stated.

'So you're suggesting that I made up Jo and... Peri... and Adric?' She asked defiantly.

Emotion flashed through his pale blue eyes and he looked at her intently, as though searching her very soul. 'They are no concern of yours,' he said with frost in his voice. 'Forget them. Forget me!' His tone softened. 'You'll be safer that way...'

He turned to leave again but she grabbed his hand. She didn't know why she didn't just leave him alone. All she knew was that she had this need, deep down inside of her, to help this lonely stranger. 'You can talk to me, you know. I know we don't even know each other but maybe it's better that way. You don't have to be alone.'

He glowered at her and pulled his hand away. He was about to turn away but something in him changed again and he stopped. 'You're wrong, I assure you. I only lead people in to danger and misery. But no more! From now on I shall continue my travels alone. It's better that way.'

'Better for you?' She ventured.

'My happiness hardly matters, my dear. No, I must stop selfishly taking them with me. Deep down I've always known it. But now Peri has gone it is finally clear to me. Solitude is the life destined for I!'

'But what about the ones who married? Did you not help them to find their loves? Nobody is meant to be alone.'

He smiled at her with sadness in his eyes. 'Perhaps, under different circumstances, I might have taken you with me. Then what fate might have befallen you? Death? Turned into a Cyberman? A Dalek? Stranded on a faraway planet many millennia from home? And it would be my fault. I shan't give you that opportunity. You may go home and forget me and I can leave safe in the knowledge that I didn't ruin you. My selflessness has saved you.' He smiled again, bitterly this time whilst taking in her appearance. She had Sarah's lovely green eyes and Nyssa's curls. She was Leela's height and her attempts to make him see sense reminded him of Romana. He had said goodbye to so many wonderful companions over his long life. He didn't even know the name of the woman in front of him but that didn't stop him from wanting to invite her to travel with him. He yearned for company. The truth of the matter was that he needed companions to stave off the gaping boredom of eternity. The curse of the Timelord. He wasn't entirely sure how long his mentality would last the solitude but he resigned himself to the fate nonetheless. However much this woman had restored him (not that he would ever admit it to her), she could not come with him. He had lost too many.

She hadn't understood much of what he had said, (Daleks? Cybermen?) but she didn't ask. There was clearly more to this man than met the eye but she was unwilling to push him. She noted his bitter smile and shuffled uncomfortably as he studied her appearance, seemingly lost in thought. He didn't notice her staring into his eyes (those ancient, intriguing eyes) and so was unaware that she saw the love, pain, loss, and loneliness flit through them. She wondered what could possibly have happened to make him like this. He hadn't spoken in many minutes so she took his hand once more and gave it a comforting squeeze. He started, almost as though he had forgotten she was there, and then squeezed back.

'Goodbye,' he said far more cheerfully than she knew he felt. He let go of her hand and began to walk off again.

'Goodbye, lonely traveller. I hope you find your way again,' she replied softly.

She watched him disappear into the distance then returned to her, now deserted, favourite spot and gazed across the mist-covered lake.


End file.
